Talk:Freedom of the Wild/@comment-26030957-20171031192542
WEREWOLF CONTEST RESULTS: Beatnik werewolves initiate a timid student into their flock in this atmospheric story about the ultimate odd couple roommates. As an iconoclast werewolf who reads Nietzsche, I really loved this story. Great job! NARRATIVE HOOK/INCITING INCIDENT: Well, there’s a rule in modern fiction that you should never start with the weather. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of great tales begin with weather, but it is usually something to be avoided, as many editors will immediately consider you an amateur. Also, saying, “I was bored,” in the second sentence seems a little risky. You might just stick the idea into the reader’s head to be bored, or that the story is boring. The general rule is to grab your reader by the throat and don’t give them any reason to stop reading. But I’d say the inciting incident of a nerdy, repressed student getting a wild roommate is a good one, though I think it could have been used as a hook more effectively if it was addressed immediately with a first line with something like, “I couldn’t believe what an uncouth ruffian my parents had found me for a roommate.” 8 ORIGINALITY: A gang of bohemian iconoclast werewolves is a pretty original concept, I’d say. They are usually portrayed as ignorant ruffian rednecks. I’ll give it a 10. CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: The protagonist was very well defined and explored, but I did have a couple issues with some of his actions, for instance when he took Valium to sleep. He was still in his goody-goody phase at this point and it seemed very out of character to take an addictive drug. Also when he calls the crucifix a “goddamn piece of fucking wood.” That really came out of nowhere and seemed atypical of him. Tyler definitely had a strong personality. I really would have liked to have had a bit more about the others, though, in particular, the woman he had sex with. She was barely described at all and suddenly they’re fucking. She felt like a love interest and therefore should definitely have been more defined. 8 DIALOGUE: I felt a lot of what Tyler was saying was just preaching and it got a little redundant after a while, and Paul never really argued with him. Dialogue should be action, a back and forth, like a sword fight. I would have loved to see Paul counter Tyler’s comments instead of staying meekly silent. If Paul had defended his beliefs it would have been a great way to explore their dynamic. It would also have made Tyler’s speeches less a monologue, given them more meaning and depth. As it stands now, I’d say about 3/4s of Tyler’s rants could be edited out. The only characters with speaking parts in this story were Tyler, Paul and the bum. I’d have loved to hear the other werewolves, what they had to say, how they communicated and teased each other. But, because I really enjoy hearing crazy beatnik raps about the existential nature of life, I’ll give it an 8. EXECUTION: Well, let me start by saying there was some very well written parts to this story, but I did have a number of issues with the execution. For one, it takes place in the 1950s, but they are listening to Rage Against the Machine and going to raves. Valium didn’t come onto the market until 1963. When Tyler offered Paul a cigarette, he held out a carton, which is ten packs, I think this should just be a single pack. There were a number of spelling mistakes. “Humboldt” was spelled wrong in the author’s note, “life” was misspelled “lifr”, “picket” was misspelled “picked”, “heart” was misspelled “hear”, “don’t” was misspelled “don’” once and “dont” twice, “however” was misspelled “howerver”, “truly” was misspelled “trurly”, “manner” was misspelled “manor.” Also a lot of punctuation mistakes. “Your just getting enough,” should be “You’re just getting enough,” “thats” needs an apostrophe and should be “that’s”, “aint” needs an apostrophe and should be “ain’t”, “I said yes,” should be “I said, “Yes””, “these kind of places” should be, “these kinds of places,” “rainwashed” should be “rain-washed”, “capitalist are fucking you” should be “capitalists are fucking you”, “I begun suspecting,” should be “I began suspecting”, “and a some slashing” should be “and some slashing”, “a careful examinations” should be “a careful examination.” I don’t understand how someone’s eyes can be “centripetal” which is the force that acts on a body in curvilinear motion. I think we’re looking at 7 for execution. ENDING/DENOUMENT: Pretty cool ending, but it definitely felt forced and very rushed. 7 OVERALL CREEPINESS: I didn’t find this story all that creepy. Maybe if Tyler had been more of an imposing threat at first, instead of just an iconoclast wild child. The bum stripping him of his clothes and beating the shit out of him was scary, and I guess it was a bit creepy when he threw Paul into that hole, but it was pretty obvious he wasn’t in any real danger. 7 TOTAL 54/70